Fear of mental illness

I continue to have panic attacks and live my life in a constant anxiety state. The phone calls to my mother become frequent. She is a master at talking me down from a panic. She is solid. Speaks to me with confidence and her words are comforting. In my heightened state of suspicion and paranoia, she is an impenetrable force. No amount of doubts or dark thoughts catch her off guard. I need this stability. I begin to depend on it. I glimpse recovery when I speak to her, if only for the time we are on the phone. I see my mother in a whole new light. I realise I must be a drain on her, so many calls and so much angst. I can't imagine going through that with my children. But she is always there. I fear the time I ring her and she doesn't answer. But it never happens, she always picks up.

I use calming candles and ambient cds, mood lighting and camomile tea. I dream of anxiety and wake in the night, in a full panic attack. Unable to find distraction, not allowing myself to wake my mother, or my boyfriend. Desperate to go back to sleep. I pace the house at night. I fall asleep at dawn, then am exhausted the next day.

I form little coping mechanisms - life lines. Things I can do to distract myself out of a panic. Like call my mother, or play the piano, go for brisk walks or go online. But concentration is impaired when you are panicking. You feel as if your brain is working in slow motion. It adds to the self loathing. Because you try so hard to find new and interesting life lines; new dvds, new hobbies, playing with the children - you seldom actually enjoy any of them. I was missing the point. I was trying to incorporate panic into my life. Not working on how to eradicate it.

Once you live with panic disorder for a certain amount of time and realise the physical symptoms aren't going to kill you, the intrusive thoughts become the most troubling thing. You begin to question your sanity. The only thing worse than death, is to be committed to a mental institution, bound in a straight jacket, taken away from your family. The thoughts don't stop, they keep coming. Dark, dark thoughts, continually flowing, blocking out other noises, other people speaking to you. You feel like you're losing your mind. You must be paranoid schizophrenic or worse. Senile dementia, that could be it, right? The voice in your head won't shut up. What if, what if... With panic comes a tremendous amount of mental clarity - but to an unfocused mind. A mind with tunnel vision. You see yourself from the worst angles, life looks grey and your future just as bleak. What is the point of life? This is not living. This is hell and torment. I want it to stop so badly, to go back to normal. But normal was 9 weeks ago and I'm forgetting what it is. I'm terrified I'm losing my mind.