Panic Disorder takes over
Home again. It's New Year's eve and my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 29. I am fighting to see the new year in. Determined to have a memory other than one blighted by panic. I succeed but when it's over, I succumb to the full force of my panic disorder. I'm too tired to fight anymore.
Panic disorder has taken me light years from normal. I have dark intrusive thoughts continuously. They are telling me I will hurt my children, harm myself, that I am doomed, that I will never rejoin the 'real' world. I notice every tiny detail about my body as my focus is turned entirely inward. New aches and pains each day. New panic symptoms. I am socially agoraphobic. I cannot make eye contact or speak to people. I arrive at school early and leave first. I have told my formerly close friend that I need to be left alone for now because of my panic attacks. She responded with "if you say so". I have stopped confiding everything in my boyfriend as I sense he is fed up with hearing about it and when I ask for comfort, he looks worried and that makes me worried. I trust his opinion and if he is concerned then I am concerned.
My darkest day came when I went back to my doctor for help. I told him I'm tired of living with a constantly racing heart. I avoid going up my stairs at home for fear of raising my heart rate. I walk the school runs at a snail's pace and breathe only through my nose. He sent me home with Beta Blockers to slow my heart rate. He listened when I told him how panics were interfering with my quality of life. But then made a joke about how during sex I had to tell my boyfriend to stop because my heart was racing. I felt utterly degraded. This doctor did not take my condition seriously. Once again he was attempting to treat the symptoms and not the cause. I have a weakness, not a medical condition.
That night, I tried the pills. I instantly had an attack. I threw them in the bin. After that I hit a real low point. Thoughts of suicide plagued me and I felt a great weight pressing on my spirit. I won't recover from this I think. I am horribly, horribly depressed. I have absolutely NO idea how to come back from this. None. I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Maybe death...
I hate thinking like this, I need help. I ring mum, I cry, I sob, I beg her to come over and stay with me. We talk for two hours. She cracks the darkness by saying straight out - "It sounds to me like your close friend has been causing these panics. Am I right?" Boom. It hit me. She has said outloud what my subconscious has been red flagging me about for 6 weeks. And the weight lifts. She tells me I have got to practise self-preservation and cut contact with this person. I agree. I am saddened by it. But she's right.
I call the one person who has helped me with depression in the past. I want to live. I want my life back. The health visitor comes out and gives me the Edinburgh Scoring Test for depression. I score a 17. I am officially depressed. I get an appointment with my GP who prescribes me an anti-depressent for panic attack sufferers. She is the 5th doctor I have seen and the only sympathetic one so far. I feel in good hands. I start my medication and get booked in for counselling.
Panic disorder has taken me light years from normal. I have dark intrusive thoughts continuously. They are telling me I will hurt my children, harm myself, that I am doomed, that I will never rejoin the 'real' world. I notice every tiny detail about my body as my focus is turned entirely inward. New aches and pains each day. New panic symptoms. I am socially agoraphobic. I cannot make eye contact or speak to people. I arrive at school early and leave first. I have told my formerly close friend that I need to be left alone for now because of my panic attacks. She responded with "if you say so". I have stopped confiding everything in my boyfriend as I sense he is fed up with hearing about it and when I ask for comfort, he looks worried and that makes me worried. I trust his opinion and if he is concerned then I am concerned.
My darkest day came when I went back to my doctor for help. I told him I'm tired of living with a constantly racing heart. I avoid going up my stairs at home for fear of raising my heart rate. I walk the school runs at a snail's pace and breathe only through my nose. He sent me home with Beta Blockers to slow my heart rate. He listened when I told him how panics were interfering with my quality of life. But then made a joke about how during sex I had to tell my boyfriend to stop because my heart was racing. I felt utterly degraded. This doctor did not take my condition seriously. Once again he was attempting to treat the symptoms and not the cause. I have a weakness, not a medical condition.
That night, I tried the pills. I instantly had an attack. I threw them in the bin. After that I hit a real low point. Thoughts of suicide plagued me and I felt a great weight pressing on my spirit. I won't recover from this I think. I am horribly, horribly depressed. I have absolutely NO idea how to come back from this. None. I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Maybe death...
I hate thinking like this, I need help. I ring mum, I cry, I sob, I beg her to come over and stay with me. We talk for two hours. She cracks the darkness by saying straight out - "It sounds to me like your close friend has been causing these panics. Am I right?" Boom. It hit me. She has said outloud what my subconscious has been red flagging me about for 6 weeks. And the weight lifts. She tells me I have got to practise self-preservation and cut contact with this person. I agree. I am saddened by it. But she's right.
I call the one person who has helped me with depression in the past. I want to live. I want my life back. The health visitor comes out and gives me the Edinburgh Scoring Test for depression. I score a 17. I am officially depressed. I get an appointment with my GP who prescribes me an anti-depressent for panic attack sufferers. She is the 5th doctor I have seen and the only sympathetic one so far. I feel in good hands. I start my medication and get booked in for counselling.
posted by Ggirl @ 11:30 pm
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