Ikea's first aid room

I take a Taxi to my gig to avoid straining myself on the stairs, escalators, tubes and streets. I arrive without having raised my heartbeat, but out of pocket. I'll be lucky to make my cab fare back in door fees. It was a good show, the audience was brilliant and I sang surprisingly well, in fact it was one of my best performances. My brother was there. I told him about the pending x-ray and the possibility of a collapsed lung. There were hugs and sympathy. I went home and went to sleep.

The next morning we took the family to Ikea. Everything was fine until we got to the end. We were putting Christmas things in our trolley. My son had to be collected from the creche. My boyfriend went to get him. I stayed in the large department store's Christmas section with my youngest and waited. My legs were tired. I finally got to bed at 2am last night. I was up at 8am. I can never manage to sleep in. I sit down on a display. My boyfriend returns and we start to walk off. I feel dizzy. We go through the checkout and I buy hot dogs for us all. I walk over to our table. Sit down. Look at my hot dog. I love hot dogs. My mouth is dry and my appetite gone. The room starts to spin. It's uncomfortable. I think I'm going to pass out. I put my head on the table. Ask my boyfriend to fetch me some water. I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to pass out. I'm terrified of passing out. Make it stop. It's uncomfortable. I just want to go back to normal. I don't have my paper bag...or my son's asthma pump. Nothing to help me breathe. I'm gasping for breath. I grab a paper cup off the table. I shove it over my mouth and breathe. I feel a bottle of water in my hand and a reassuring arm on my shoulder. He's talking to me but I can't focus. Every time I try to raise my head the room spins faster. Have any of the other customers noticed me? I must have been like this for 10 minutes already. He's talking to me. Telling me to focus on my breathing. Tells me to breathe in and out with him. I do it. I'm fighting a cloudy head. Trying to focus. Some time passes. I feel like it's lifting. I drink more water.

30 minutes have gone since we first sat down. We go to leave when our new plates fall off the trolley and smash. Assistants come over to us and tell my boyfriend to go and fetch a new box. I'm left alone with my children. I think, I don't want to be left alone, I'm fragile, I just had a panic attack. My head starts to spin again. I sit down, head in my hands. I'm in full view this time. An assistant comes over. "Are you alright? Can I help?" she takes out her walkie talkie "Send over a first aider straight away." They're trying to get me to talk. I find it so hard to move my jaw. I manage to tell them I'm having a panic attack but no one can hear me. My boyfriend comes back. He explains. I'm put in a wheelchair and taken to the first aid room. I spend 30 minutes there trying to come out of it. I think of how much I want to be home but I'm scared if I get in the car, it'll get worse and we'll be on the motorway, unable to stop, unable to cope. I get in the car. I get back out again. I'm back in the first aider's room.

I'm crying now. I sob about how scared I am about my x-ray and the possible outcome. I tell the first aider about what the doctor said about a collapsed lung. She tells me that her sister has panic attacks and it helps her to just sit quiet and wait for them to pass. I ask her to tell me more about them, but her words are empty, unconvincing. After another hour, my children have been pushed from pillar to post. My boyfriend is losing his patience. I know I must get in the car quickly and go. It's the only way. So I go. On the motorway I roll the window down and feel the cold air on my face. It's distracting. I make it home. I go upstairs. I lie in bed. My body is exhausted. I ring my brother. I apologise I can't meet him tonight to go and see the greyhounds race. I send my boyfriend instead of me. I get bad heartburn. I struggle through the rest of the evening and can't wait to go to sleep. I want to wake up normal tomorrow.