Christmas drinks and panic attacks

It's the next day. My close friend and her husband are coming over for Christmas drinks. I'm nervous about it. Since the whole gym incident our relationship has been slowly disintegrating. She shouted at me again this week. For not going to her house Monday afternoon but choosing to stay home instead (I'd just had a panic attack in Tesco's and needed to rest. She had been there with me and seen the whole incident). For not saying 'hi' after our sons' school play, even though I had waved hello to her just before it had started. For offering to make alternate childcare arrangements when she said she'd forgotten she was looking after my daughter that day (she was actually doing this daily for me in exchange for piano lessons). She shouted, turned and walked off. I didn't like her anymore. She was not a friend. But I still didn't know this. I thought her behaviour was bizarre, but inwardly I felt like a child being told off.

The next morning I didn't do the school run. I couldn't breathe properly. I was in a bad way. I made my boyfriend do it. He was hung over and late for work. I thought it was the mystery chest virus. I didn't realise I was having a panic attack about seeing my friend again that day. Just as I hadn't realised my attack in Tesco's had been because I didn't enjoy shopping with her anymore. These emotions were there but I refused to accept them.

5 minutes before she and her husband were due to arrive I started to have another attack. By the time they knocked I was hot, muzzy headed, my heart racing, chest pains. I disguised it as best I could. I opened the back door up and pretended it was hot in the house (It was December and below freezing outside). I tried to focus on faces as they were talking, nodded, but heard nothing. I was uncomfortable. She had not apologised for any of the incidents. I did not know where I stood. She shouted at her kids and looked disapprovingly at my allowing a pillow fight between our boys in the living room.

After she left I was relieved. Panic gone. I asked my boyfriend honestly what he thought of my best friend of one year. His comment shocked me. I trusted his opinion. He was always truthful and unbiased. He told me she was arrogant, haughty. I thought about it. No wonder our personalitities were clashing. She must have lost repect for me for not standing up for myself and for allowing her to shout and control me. The balance is off. She's treating me with contempt and I'm a child being told off, trying to get back on her good side. I disliked confrontation and with her it was unpredictable. I never knew when it would come next and for what. Treading on eggshells wasn't enough, she would find fault if she felt like it. She was now causing me to have regular panic attacks.