More bad news...
I tried to find out more about panic attacks. I needed answers. I had already read the info my friend had mailed to me and had looked up what little the NHS had on their website. My brother told me about his experience with panic. He explained that I was probably in a fear-adrenaline-fear cycle. In other words, I was scared of when I would have my next panic attack and it was this fear that would bring on my next one. It all made sense.
My friend who's little boy was in hospital sent me an email. She told me that my turning up in hospital and telling her about my panic attack was a selfish act. She had not wanted to hear about my cat being run over (which I told her about in the email she was replying to) when her son was facing a life threatening illness. She told me that pondering my panic attacks was self indulgence. I was not a true friend. She didn't want to hear from me ever again. Once more, I was made to feel that a person who has panic attacks has a weakness. I had just lost my first friend because of them.
Summer droned on, the lazy days came and went and I was anything but. Keeping up with my hectic social life was forcing my music project on the back burner. This was causing me stress. My close friend wanted to spend every day together so that our children could play while we chatted and sun bathed. This was nice in small doses, but in doing it every day I was beginning to feel off balance. I needed to feel in control of my time, but instead I was letting her dictate how much free time I had instead of the other way around. I remember making excuses so I could stay in one morning and complete the artwork on my latest album. My friend was not pleased that I was putting her on hold. It was a lovely day outside. But I had spent £600 on recording it and the sooner it went to print, the quicker I could start selling it. I rushed through the artwork and went along to meet my friend for our afternoon committment. She didn't say much when I showed her the finished product I had slaved over all morning. I guess this was a blow to my ego. I shouldn't have put so much weight on her opinion. But her opinion mattered. I valued the input of others. Perhaps because I didn't trust my own.
How could I trust my reactions when my body was letting me down by having panic attacks?
My friend who's little boy was in hospital sent me an email. She told me that my turning up in hospital and telling her about my panic attack was a selfish act. She had not wanted to hear about my cat being run over (which I told her about in the email she was replying to) when her son was facing a life threatening illness. She told me that pondering my panic attacks was self indulgence. I was not a true friend. She didn't want to hear from me ever again. Once more, I was made to feel that a person who has panic attacks has a weakness. I had just lost my first friend because of them.
Summer droned on, the lazy days came and went and I was anything but. Keeping up with my hectic social life was forcing my music project on the back burner. This was causing me stress. My close friend wanted to spend every day together so that our children could play while we chatted and sun bathed. This was nice in small doses, but in doing it every day I was beginning to feel off balance. I needed to feel in control of my time, but instead I was letting her dictate how much free time I had instead of the other way around. I remember making excuses so I could stay in one morning and complete the artwork on my latest album. My friend was not pleased that I was putting her on hold. It was a lovely day outside. But I had spent £600 on recording it and the sooner it went to print, the quicker I could start selling it. I rushed through the artwork and went along to meet my friend for our afternoon committment. She didn't say much when I showed her the finished product I had slaved over all morning. I guess this was a blow to my ego. I shouldn't have put so much weight on her opinion. But her opinion mattered. I valued the input of others. Perhaps because I didn't trust my own.
How could I trust my reactions when my body was letting me down by having panic attacks?
posted by Ggirl @ 12:10 pm
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