A Birthday Party

The icing on the cake came later that day. My neighbour had driven past me on my way to the pharmacy to collect my anti-depressents. I had not looked up at her car. I was in an entirely different plane of reality. She sent me a text message saying how disappointed she was that I had ignored her. I felt a rage inside me. Can't people just leave me alone to recover? I call her. I start to explain that I am having problems with panic attacks and depression. She tells me that the other mums at school have seen my recent behaviour as demented and psychotic. She screams at me, tells me she'll sue me for slander (I confided in my ex best friend that my neighbour had gone trick or treating at my house when I was away and my boyfriend had answered. She he had offered him a 'treat' and lifted up the back of her skirt at him. I had not confronted her about it) and tells me she won't forgive me for the race track incident over Christmas. She goes on to say she won't ever speak to me again and that I am dead to her. We get cut off and I am left shaken. Panic had just claimed it's 3rd friend.

I am now in a panic stricken state. I had already been frightened of losing my mind. Now an outsider has said I have been acting demented and psychotic. All this is only compounding my fears. I have to collect my sister from the airport, but am in no state to drive. I go anyway. I tell myself I only have to get there, she can drive back. I speed, fast thinking keeps my mind occupied. I make it. But I am in emotional shreds.

It was in this state that my son had his fifth birthday. Five is a landmark, a special coming of age - officially a child. I did not want to ruin it for him. I was determined not to ruin it for him. The thing was - I had no control over my mind or body, so how could I NOT ruin it for him? I began to make contingency plans - that if I wasn't at my son's party, I couldn't ruin it. That if I had to be there, I could hide behind the video camera. But there were other factors involved. What if the neighbour's son and the son of my former friend showed up? That meant their dreaded mothers would be there too. I would not be safe from panic. My worst enemy was now myself. All of the above came true - I went to the party, the people came that I didn't want to be there and I hid behind the camera. But I won't forget that day, how I was unable to enjoy my son's birthday because of my inward focus and intrusive thoughts. Something had to change.